Who or What is This Chimp?
Meet the Dude Ruining Your Relationship (And How to Take the Reins Back)
If you find yourself losing emotional control in your relationship—saying things you regret, feeling guilt and shame, saying things you cannot take back, attempting to apologize, shutting down, or continuing blowing up—”you’re not broken.”
You’re being hijacked.
I call this part of you the Chimp.
Every one of us has one.
—And until you learn how to work with it, not against it, your relationship with your partner will continue to feel like a performance at crunch time.
—Like any other stressful event, performance anxiety leaves us falling apart when we feel under pressure at crunch time.
The Chimp Inside All Of Us
The language of the Chimp comes from The Chimp Paradox by Dr. Steve Peters.
Dr. Peters shares the Chimp is an emotional survival system that thinks independently from your calm body & rational & logic brain.
HERE IS THE THING: THE CHIMP ONLY HAS ONE JOB - TO KEEP US ALIVE.
Here is another issue: —The Chimp doesn’t know the difference between a physical threat and an emotional one - it reacts the same.
So when your partner raises their voice that may remind you or your mother…., When you feel criticized & not good enough…, When conflict shows up in parenting…, When you feel like that little boy…
🚨 The Brain Sends The Red Code Alert:
Hormones flood your body.
Your thinking brain goes offline.
The Chimp, without asking, grabs the wheel & shows up and Shows out.
Why I Teach My System With Toys (Yes, Toys)
Just imagine walking into a therapist’s office with toys scattered through out. People would ask, “You must be a play therapist?” or ‘Do you work with kids?”
Well this was my office. My response, I’d laugh and say, “Nah. These are for my adults - I stopped working with kids long time ago.”
I don’t speak eloquently, so teaching visually helps me explain myself.
For example, for the manageable, regulated, in control calm mind- I use a Lego zoo keeper minifigure, holding a small monkey
For our star the Chimp?
A giant agitated King Kong figure— next to the zoo keeper, this is a pictorial representation of big emotions - emotions way too big for the zoo keeper to control.
simply, this picture needs little explanation.
So What Does This Have to Do With Your Relationship?
The babystepssaq mental coaching model views relationship disconnection as a performance anxiety issue.
The moment your Chimp gets triggered, clarity disappears…., You don’t choose your response….., You react….
Michael Singer (The Untethered Soul) says it perfectly:
“It begins when you get pulled down into the disturbed energy.” That disturbed energy is the Chimp, aka “Why the Grinch, Grinch’s.”
Looking through the lens of the Grinch—before his heart grew “three sizes that day…” anything Christmas-related triggered his Chimp. At a subconscious level, like clockwork, on autopilot, the Grinch’s “Stink, Stank, Stunk” behavior showed up.
He wasn’t evil - He was system was hijacked.
His thinking brain is offline. When the Chimp takes the rein, there is no rational thought, no logically thinking…….
Here’s the Hope (& the Work)
Toxic Relationship Positivity tells guys to “just notice it next time and stop. it before it starts”. - The assumption - “ And if you can’t your broken!”
“Nah, please hear the Kris voice in your head - That’s troubling, dishonest and wreckless.”
Yes—awareness is the first step, but it’s not enough, this is an active ongoing process.
Like learning a new language, this is a skill .
This coaching system focuses on helping my guys build a relationship with their Chimp, not suppress it.
Here’s where we start:
-Get a quality journal, one that you are going to respect, not find under the bed months later:
Notice when your Chimp shows up
Track the triggers and body sensations
Document what it’s trying to protect you from/identifying the core issue
Learn why it takes over this relationship moment
This is the first steps on how to stop handing over the reins to the big bad dude the Chimp.
-This is how relationships begin to feel safe again.
Stop The Chimp From Blowing Up The Room?
Continue to tap in here so you can understand “Why the Grinch, Grinch’s.”
In future posts, I’ll teach the BROOM Technique—a step-by-step strategy, a language you can learn to lean into to resolve conflict without your Chimp blowing up the room.
* If this hit home, save this post.
*Share it with a guy who keeps getting stuck in the same fights.
*DM me “CHIMP” and I’ll send you the first tool I use with men to regain control in conflict.
You’re not broken, You’re just untrained, You just need to speak a new language, Connection 101
— Kris Snyder, Men’s Relatioship Specialist
“I help guys stop their troubled dance, recognize their emotions, and recognize the emotions of their meaningful others to build safe and secure relationships.”
#SpeakLife, #Peace
