New Year’s Resolution“The Law of Identity”
Why Traditional Relationship Coaching Fails Men Over 30
Happy New Year’s Community.
I don’t usually get too excited about January 1.
Here is the thing - “I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions.”
What I am excited about what I’m building and the direction this community is going this year.
After successfully helping dozens of men stop what I call “the troubled dance or cycle of disconnection,” one pattern became impossible to ignore:
Those who care, never struggle in relationships because they don’t care.
If anything, they struggle because they care deeply—and when it feels like their partner is pulling away, their nervous system takes over. “
I see all emotional disconnection in relationships as a performance anxiety issue.”
Despite what toxic relationship positivity (TRP) tells you on social media - No amount of “better communication tips” fixes an overwhelmed nervous systemm -
This is a brain/body issue, unregulated at crunch time - Healing this needs bottom up strategies, not talk down problem talk trp stresses.
The Real Problem TRP Misses
HERE IS THE THING:
Most relationship coaching for guys focuses on:
What to say
How to communicate
How to “be better”
“Nah,” hear the Kris voice in your head say, that is not the truth:
Here’s the truth:
First trp is insufficient becasuse when any of us feels emotionally unsafe - OUR THINKING BRAIN IS OFFLINE, x LOGIC, x RATIONAL, x EMPATHUY
Basic brain science tells us:
When the threat system (fight, flight, or freeze - shutdown) activates:
Logic and rational thought decreases
Defensiveness increases
Old survival patterns driven by childhood survival behaviors take over
We all feel unsafe
That’s why men keep repeating the same cycles—even when they know what to do.
The Missing Piece In 26’ - “The Law of Identity”
TRP falls short in others ways:
For example:
Identity comes before behavior.
My guys can only act consistently with who he believes he is.
-This starts with the story he tells himself about himself.
If deep down a man sees himself as:
“I’m just bad at relationships”
“I not enough for her”
“I’m emotionally broken”
Men are not emotionally, I have to be tough”
Next time, in moments of “intense fellowship” with your partner - The cycle begins and repeats itself - His brain detects his partner is pulling away, the brain sounds the red-code alert, hormones flow through the body & overwhelms his nervous system.
The result, he loses control emotionally control
His protest for closeness looks like lashiing out verbally, saying not so nice thing, shuting down & not talking, — engagaing the fight and flight response based on who he is wired - The troubled dance or cycle has caused disconnection in the relationship again.
No longer let sthe pseudo coaches on soocial media convince you this is a motivation issue.
It’san identity issue - What are you expectations for how you want to show up in your intimate relationship. How do you want to lead your family and community?
New Year’s Resolutions says, you want to improve your relationships - That’s too big.
I coach my guys to refuse traditional New Year’s resolutions. Focus on a word or phrase.
Besides, I believe most of us understand where research shows most resolutions are abandoned by February. When I say February, I am being generous—not because people are lazy, but because identity hasn’t changed.
So for 2026, my word and focus is leaning into “The Law of Identity.”
Here are 3 strategies to make this work.
Strategy #1: Who You Are Under Pressure
For the first time, I’m introducing the identity and building a culture around:
DRUM ROLL PLEASE……………………
*E.F., The Emotionally Focused Honey Badger
Here’s Why:
According to Guinness World Records, the Honey Badger is the most fearless animal on earth.
Not reckless.
Not aggressive.
Calm. Focused. Adaptive.
The Honey Badger doesn’t struggle with performance anxiety. He’s prepared.
So, leaning into what I was taught as an Emotional Focused Therapist. An Emotionally Focused (E.F.) Honey Badger serves as a guide to understand and confidently show up to be consistently accessible, receptive and engaged (ARE) in their intimate relationships.
Strategy #2: Regulation Before Communication
The babystepssaq mental coaching system is built on simple brain science.
When emotional safety increases:
The thinking brain stays online
My guys don’t become emotionally overwhelmed & “crash out”
Conflict stops feeling like crunch time, decreasing tha feeling in the body tied to performance anxiety.
Here is another thing:
*Most men were never taught how to handle emotional conflict growing up - No one ever sat me down and gave me instructions on how to handle my emotions in my relationships.
*-This is one of the most important things you need to remember.
That’s not a flaw…. - It’s a skills gap…..
Like any language, speaking connection 10, the language of emotional regulation can be learned.
Strategy #3: Why My Coaching Approach Is Different
There’s no shortage of men’s relationship advice & most of it is off base. I do highly respect several and I will share their infomation with.
For example, off the top of my head, on IG I tap into Dr. Raquel Martin, Dr. Cheyenne Bryant, Shawn McBride….
POV: What’s missing is and how I differentiate myself from the pretenders:
First a system has to take into account of a client’s subjective experience aka trauma.
Brain–body nervous system focused
Understanding your wiring, culture and the impact of toxic masculinity & how it impacts the flight and fight response
Bottom up emotional focus, not top down focus on problem talk with no solutions
Practical emotional regulation tools
Recognize the ineffectiveess of social media’s focus on toxic relationship positivity
The babystepssaq mental coaching system develops emotionally secure men, not performative ones.
So The Question That Ends Every Cycle
If the Law of Identity says a thing is always itself…..
Who will your partner say you were at the end of 2026?
Safe or unpredictable?
Present or withdrawn?
Grounded or reactive?
The GOAL: Where You An Emotionally Focused Honey Badger—or engaged stuck in your old patterns of disconnection?
Are you A.R.E.? Emotionally Focused Honey Badgers are accessible, receptive and engaged (ARE) in their intimate relationships.
Here the thing - You’re not broken…, You’re untrained.
What’s Next
DM if you are interested in a free consultation.
I have 1-1 coaching, set up your own groups and book study
Happy New Year,
Kris, IMFT, MBA, CCATP - Men’s Relationship specialist
“I help men stop their troubled dance or cycle of disconnection. My guys learn to recognize their emotions and the emotions of their meaningful others to build safe and secure connections.”
#SpeakLife, #peace
